I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
