Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
