Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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