how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
