I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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