so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
