you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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