My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
