so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
