I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
