I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
