I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
