Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
