She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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