yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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