Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I looked at my own cervix.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm too high and old for this...
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
