My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
