i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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