Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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