come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
