It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
