i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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