That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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