Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
