When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
