If i come over, it means nothing
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
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