you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
