How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
