someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
