And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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