high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
