You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
