Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
