The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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