I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Ladies don't puke and tell
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
