It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
