i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Actions speak louder than pants.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
