I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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