tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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