I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
