dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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