i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Randomize
