I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
