U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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