in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just gift wrapped bread.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
