The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
