Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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