Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
