I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
my nose is crying tears of wow.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
