I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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