Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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