i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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